Anonymous asked: Regarding your last post. I've read a bit about schizophrenia and the information i've got is that its common for people to develop schizophrenia after or during traumatic events. Did you ever experience any traumatic events in your childhood? Im not trying to be rude or ignorant or nosy or anythin. Im just interested, and your last post made me think about abusive relationships. You dont have to answer, but schizophrenia and other mental illnesses fascinates me.

I grew up in an abusive home. My father was an alcoholic and he never liked me much. It has been discussed whether he had any part in the development of my first psychotic break or not, but I don’t lay much thought in it. I actually don’t waste time thinking about him at all. You don’t have to be afraid to ask me things, but if you want to talk more specific then it’s better to talk to me off anon.

No matter how much you shake me and push me around, scream at me and call me names. No matter how much you care for me. I am simply not there.

I have recently requested the information and audio from the emergency phone call i made about a year ago, before I ended up in hospital. I am going to listen to it with my psychiatrist to hopefully get a grip around these delusions I am experiencing. Since being in a calm state of mind, I am not looking forward to hearing myself during a full blown episode. But I really hope it will help me.